Friday, March 1, 2013

Bible and No Homo? No Steak-o?


So, we all know the Bible bans the act of Homosexuality. What else do we have to do to stay on God's good side?

We need to keep our women from speaking in church:  1 Corinthians 14:34-35  King James Version (KJV)
34 Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law.
35 And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.
Never eat a rare steak:  Genesis 9:4 King James Version (KJV)
But flesh with the life thereof, which is the blood thereof, shall ye not eat.

Oh and don't eat a fatty steak doubly:  Leviticus 3:17    King James Version (KJV)
17 It shall be a perpetual statute for your generations throughout all your dwellings, that ye eat neither fat nor blood.

 We know that pork is a no no:  Leviticus 11:7-8  King James Version (KJV)
And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you.
Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch; they are unclean to you.

 And we remember no shellfish:  Deuteronomy 14:9-10 King James Version (KJV)
These ye shall eat of all that are in the waters: all that have fins and scales shall ye eat:
10 And whatsoever hath not fins and scales ye may not eat; it is unclean unto you.

 Or of strangled animals:  Acts 15:28-29  King James Version (KJV)
28 For it seemed good to the Holy Ghost, and to us, to lay upon you no greater burden than these necessary things;
29 That ye abstain from meats offered to idols, and from blood, and from things strangled, and from fornication: from which if ye keep yourselves, ye shall do well. Fare ye well.
Additionally, what the hell does "from fornication" mean in this context??

God is not only concerned with where we put our genitals and exactly what and how we eat. Oh, no! He is into fashion: Leviticus 19:19 King James Version (KJV)
19 Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.
And style:Leviticus 19:27 King James Version (KJV)
27 Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.  AND Leviticus 19:28King James Version (KJV) 28 Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the Lord.


These are just the ones I remembered off the top of my head. And for all of you who think that this is the Old Testament and does not apply (like Leviticus 18 and 20?) but consider: Matthew 5:17-18King James Version (KJV)
17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled.
 
 -Josh